Without You
by ElyseCullenLautner
Summary: It has been five years since Edward left Bella alone in the woods. She is happy with Jacob now, but what will happen to them when her nightmares of Edward are reoccuring and more vivid? Coud this be a sign? Not your normal Edward leaves Bella story.
1. Forgive Me

Chapter 1: Edward's POV: Forgive me

I was about to encounter the most painful moment in all my 118 years of life.

I was about to throw away the most significant thing in my world. The love of my life, the true reason for my existence…the person who makes me feel truly human. To her, I am no monster. To her, I am utter perfection. However, I knew such a thing could never exist. Especially in a form such as myself.

I led her into the woods, already regretting what I was about to do.

She turned toward me when I abruptly stopped. "Okay, let's talk." She said.

leaving."

_Oh Bella…please forgive me._

I took a deep breath, "Bella, we're leaving."

"Why now? Another year—"she said, her eyebrows coming together.

A warm breeze rustled through the wood, fanning her sweet scent across my face. I could taste it on my tongue. So sweet, like freesia I had told her once. So sweet, so beautiful…

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless"

I stared at her trying to decipher her expression for any significant change of emotion. All I saw was confusion. She didn't understand…and then…recognition.

Her heartbeat sped up as she began to comprehend exactly what I was saying. _Oh, how I would miss that…_

"When you say we—", she said in just a barely audible whisper.

I spoke slowly, and clearly so that I could be sure she'd understood. "I mean my family and myself."

_Oh Bella. I'm so sorry, love. Bella, I love you, I always will. I need you. Just forgive me…I'm so sorry…"_

It took her a long time to clear her head. She shook her head back in forth, mechanically. Trying to clear her head. As if she didn't believe what I was saying. Why would she? After the thousands of times I've told her how much I loved her, why would she believe anything I'm telling her right now? She was absolutely right.

"Okay, I'll come with you." She told me. Ironically enough, I wanted that exact same thing.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…It's not the right place for you."

"Where you are is the right place for me." Why couldn't she just let go. That's what she needed. A life without me, a normal life.

"I'm no good for you, Bella." I concluded. These simple words hurt the most. They were ever so true. I was lying to myself when I said them. I was lying to the both of us.

"Don't be ridiculous, you're the best part of my life." I didn't see any anger in these words. Only pain and pleading. I wished I could reach out and comfort her like always, but there was no way. Not now.

"My world is not for you." I told her grimly.

"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing Edward! Nothing! She shouted, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"You're right; it was exactly what was to be expected." My voice got stronger with every word, as if I _did_ believe this all myself.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised you would stay—" she countered, shouting at me.

"As long as that was what was best for you." I corrected her, coldly.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that and I don't care Edward! I don't care! You can have my soul! I don't want it without you! It's yours already!"

I saw it in her eyes that she wasn't going to let go. She'd keep contradicting herself that I still loved her, which of course was true, but that's how I needed it to be, so that she'd believe I never loved her.

And that was just it. A thought entered my head that I wished I'd never even thought about. A thought so vile, so disgusting, something that could never be believed.

I'd have to convince her that I never did, and never will love her. How could I do it? Why should I do it? Nonsense. Love is something that cannot be tampered with, she'd never believe it. Not after how many times I've told her I loved her. Impossible…but it must be done.

Bella.

So sweet, so warm, so fragile. Such a sensitive little creature, how beautiful. How incredibly remarkable. How could I ever do this? I didn't want to be strong enough anymore. I didn't want to do this to her or myself…

I looked at her, making my face completely empty once again. Her chocolate brown eyes sodden. Why must I do this? _Forgive me love._

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." Lies pulsing through my empty veins.

"You…don't…want me?" she struggled with her words.

"No." I said bluntly. There was nothing else to say. Nothing that I could say to ease her pain.

"_She deserves better than you Edward!"_ I cried out to myself. I _had_ to make myself believe that or I'd never be able to leave.

"Well, that changes things." She said becoming calmer. You _monster._

"Of course I'll always love you…in a way." Another lie. "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not. I am not human... I've let this go on for far too long and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't…Don't do this." Too late.

Lie more, Edward. You have to make her believe that you don't want her anymore. That you don't care for her. It's for her good. Do it.

"You're not good for me, Bella." She would always deign herself like that. I'd never let her believe it because it wasn't true. She was perfect for me.

She opened her mouth to argue with me again, but closed it again.

I didn't move nor did I speak. I had trained my face to show no sign of emotion. No trace of what I had just done…even though it killed me inside. Bella.

_Bella_. Bella…my beautiful Bella.

"If…that's what you want." I nodded, even though I didn't mean it.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I requested.

Her head tilted upward, and her eyes widened as if she believed I was about to take back every word, every lie, I just told her. That I'd tell her that I was sorry, and I still loved her, it was all lies. That was exactly what I wanted to tell her.

"Anything." She said faintly stronger.

I smiled a bit, remembering all the sorts of trouble Bella could get into.

"Don't do anything reckless, or stupid." I ordered. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She nodded, her eyes still glistening with fresh tears.

I readjusted the careful mask I had put on for so long, no longer looking like I was truly concerned for her safety; at least for my sake that is. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course," I defended "He needs you. Take care of yourself for him."

"I will," she vowed.

I relaxed, but only a little bit.

"And I'll make you a promise in return," I pledged. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

Why? How could I? What have I done?

Her legs started to shake and I could hear the rigid pounding of her heart.

"Don't worry, you're human. Your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." A small smile escaped my lips. I couldn't hold it back.

I took a step back. Look what you did Edward," I screamed at myself. _"Look at the pain you've caused her, the pain that will never go away. Lie all you want, it won't change the way either of you feel. You idiot. You fake, you monster. Killer."_

I tried to memorize her beautiful face. The face that I loved to watch, so interesting…so gorgeous. I traced her face with my eyes, the shape of her nose, her chocolate brown eyes, so warm…her pink soft lips. One last touch, one last kiss was all I wanted.

"Alice isn't coming back…" she said quietly, I don't think it was meant for me, but I answered anyway, coming back to the present.

"She wanted to say goodbye," I started, my mind coming back the present. "But I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."

Phoenix. _"You can see it's a clean break. That's good_. _It will heal more easily, more quickly."_ The doctor told her last spring.

"Goodbye, Bella." I told her quietly. I wasn't strong enough anymore. Wish granted.

Bella. _Bella_. Bella…

It felt like the whole world came crashing down at this very instant, this very moment I said

The dreaded words I so very often thought were necessary for Bella's survival. My world was gone…it was my fault.

"Wait!" She choked out the word, reaching for me.

In that instant I only wanted one thing. Her. I wanted to apologize, to beg and grovel on my

knees until she took me back. I wanted to kiss her, kiss more passionately than I'd ever kissed her, than I ever would kiss her. I wanted her to take me back and accept me for who I was, no matter how terrible that may be.

I approached her again, going to reach out and take her arms and wrap them around myself, just so I could feel her touch. Just so I could apologize. But she was better off without me, without a monster.

I pinned her tiny, warm, wrists to the sides of her torso, and I slowly leaned down, and pressed my stone hard lips very lightly to her forehead for the briefest moment. I watched as her eyes closed and I wished I could close mine too.

"Take care of yourself." I breathed onto her warm skin. Taking one last breath, lungful of her perfect smell, and I was gone.

I yearned to be the perfect man for Bella. To give her all her heart's desires. A house, a family, everything she wanted. But I wasn't even good enough for her. I was merely a monster, nothing but a killer. Who wanted a killer? Nobody. She'll find someone who is perfect for her in any way. Someone who doesn't have to worry about every touch, someone who loves her as much as I do, maybe even more if it were possible.

I ran as fast as I could.

I'd miss the sound of your voice, I'd miss the rush of your skin, and I'd miss the still of the silence of our breathing. The speed of her heartbeat.

There was nothing to live for anymore. Nothing but nothing. Nothing for the sake of living, I couldn't anymore. I didn't want to anymore.

My family's voices came into my head.

_Edward, dude. You don't have to do this you know. Go back, its okay._

_Edward, let me say goodbye, please, she was my friend. Edward…_

_I'm sorry brother; I never meant to hurt her. I'll be more careful, please, just stay._

_Sweetheart it's not fair for you to be alone again, she loves you. Go back to her._

_It's about time you left her, she was no good anyway. Too plain for you. Just an inconvenience to the rest of us._

_Edward, my son, you deserve to be happy. You don't have to be so noble all the time._

The voices nagged at me, and finally I sat down on the wet ground, and let my sobs fly. I could never let anyone know that I did this, that I wasn't strong enough to leave, that I had to resort to curling up into a ball, like a small child who was afraid of the dark. Except, I was afraid of myself, of my decisions…

That's right, my decisions. It was my choice to leave, it was my fault. I couldn't put the blame on Jasper, it was as much as it was a wake- up call from him.

I couldn't return to my family. Alice and Emmett would never forgive me for leaving, Jasper would drown me in apologies which would never be accepted, Rosalie would cling to me, telling me I made the right decision, Esme would be too nice about it, when she knew herself the decision was a horrible one, and Carlisle, Carlisle is who I feared most. He would be behind me all the way, going along with all my decisions, but lucky for me, I knew exactly what he would think the entire time.

I couldn't tell whether I was too weak or too strong, but judging from the sobs and the awkward noises coming from deep inside my throat, I was weak.

I couldn't go back. Everything was gone. My life is empty just as it had been a year ago, just as cold, and meaningless. Like driving on a dark road in the middle of winter at two in the morning, just driving for the sake of driving; just living for the sake of living.

Two miles back, was the love of my life, just standing there, emotionless. Without a doubt, this was the hardest thing I'd ever endure in all my years. For as long as I lived, I'd never forgive myself for this…act of utter selfishness and malignance to her and her self esteem. But she's better off, she deserves a family, and a home, and everything that I could never give her. I was depriving her of everything, and I could never live with myself if she could never have anything. Someone will love her at least close to as much as I do, and that is all that matters.

But now, as I'm running, I'm thinking about what I have to live for. She was everything I wanted and everything that I would ever need, and now I'm back where I began. Back in square one. There was nothing for me anymore, nothing…


	2. Five Years Later

It is September 13, 2010.

It has been a whole five years since that dreaded day that Edward left me to wallow in the woods, alone. Five years. Like I said, time passes, even for me. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the clock hurts to even hear, it passes unevenly in odd intervals. Like blood behind a bruise, but pass it does.

I thought back to those last moments I had with him.

"_Bella, I don't want you to come with me," he'd tell me in his velvety smooth voice. "You're no good for me, Bella; it will be as if I'd never existed."_

The words still rung in my head, loud and clear. The perfection of his voice lost throughout the years.

I remembered the way my body shook as he said those words. The convulsions racking through me, causing my balance to be more off than usual. How even after I ran for hours, searching through the woods for that perfect granite skin, I was alone, and cold.

However now, I felt thankful for the time he had given me; more than I deserved.

I was happy now. Jacob has taken care of me. It's been hard, but we work at it, and I'm thankful he was there to help me through it all.  
Jacob was probably out getting my gift for my twenty- second birthday.

A few years ago, Jake left the pack, and we moved to New York City, and bought a small apartment on Fifty- Sixth Street. It's surprisingly very nice.

Just as the clock chimed 5:30, Jake came in holding a box, wrapped in pink paper, with a white bow on top. "Happy Birthday, Bells!" he said, shutting the door with his foot.

He set the present on the table I was sitting at, and picked me up in his strong arms, and kissed my forehead just only briefly, before pulling away and looking into my eyes.

I couldn't help but smile. "I don't like a big fuss about my birthday, you know that." I contradicted.

"Oh I know," he said setting me down on the blue sofa. "I didn't, I just got you some little things. Open it." He said walking over to get the present.

He sat down next to me, and set it on my lap. He placed his hand on my knee, and smiled.

I stared at it for a minute, remembering the horrible things that happened five years ago, as I did on all my birthdays. The plane tickets from Carlisle and Esme, the car stereo from the family, and the CD of compositions. I was feeling as if the present was about to get up and walk away at any second.

"Bella," Jacob said, looking at me pointedly. "He's gone. You need to forget him."

I let a tear fall from my eye. Just one, the rest I didn't surrender to. "I can't just forget." I said quietly.

"I know…I know." Jacob said, playing with my hair. "Just open the present."

"Okay," I said picking up the box, and ripping of the paper, but carefully, as I learned to do.

I picked up the newer copy of _Wuthering Heights_, my favorite book. I touched the cover, and smiled. "I love it."

"There's more in there." He said, tilting his chin toward the box.

Inside, there was a small, black velvet box at the bottom. I picked it up slowly, letting another tear fall from my eyes.

I opened the box, and inside was a beautiful diamond ring, that looked like it cost a million dollars. "Jake…" I said, dumbfounded.

It was so beautiful. The ring had a golden band that wrapped around the diamond like a ribbon. The diamond gleamed with the colors of purple, and pink, and orange in the light.

He took it from my hands, and slid it onto my ring finger. He held my hand lightly, and began to speak the words I always dreamed about, however, in a different voice.

"Isabella Marie Swan, I have wanted nothing more than to be with you since the day you came to La Push Beach. Everything you do makes my heart stop; I could never live without you. You're the only reason I still try anymore. You mean the world to me, and I think I'm in love with you. Will you marry me?"

I looked into his eyes, his gorgeous brown eyes, and felt happiness. I loved this feeling; the only time I got this was once in a while, when I was truly happy.

My hands convulsed, I wanted to marry Jacob so badly, but I was still waiting for Edward to come back.

_He never loved you, get over it, Bella. He's never coming back. You're too old for him now. You're twenty two, he is seventeen. It could never be, it wasn't meant to be, and it will never happen, never._

He looked at me, and realized what I was thinking about. His eyes became cold, and he stood up fast.

"Never mind, Bella. I see you still need to get over him." He almost shouted.

"Jacob, I'm sorry! It's just that—"

"No Bella! You aren't sorry! If you were sorry, you would've gotten over those bloodsuckers long ago!" he interrupted me, walking toward the bedroom.

"I told you not to call them that!" I shouted at him, full walked inside, and slammed the bedroom door shut.

I sat down on the couch, and began to let the tears pour over.

_Why did it all have to be like this? Why couldn't I just get over them? It's been five years, it's about time. He never loved me, he even told me that. That's why he left, he never cared. He never wanted me, but who would? Jake would. And I probably threw it away tonight. He knew I had trouble on my birthdays, but this was the worst. I had never been so horrible._

Looking back at our bedroom, I got up and went out to the balcony, which had the best view of New York City. I always went out there when I wanted to think.

I sat down on the bench we placed out there; it was Billy's, who passed away about two months ago. I stared out at the view. I could see the Empire state building, and all the lights seemed to be glowing brighter than ever.

I looked at the diamond ring. I thought about the day in the meadow with Edward, when he told me about his being a vampire.

The way his skinned glistened in the sun was like a million little facets, it was so beautiful. I let another fresh tear escape from my eyes. I remembered the nights he'd spend the night in my room without Charlie knowing. I'd always stayed wrapped up in a blanket, while his cold incandescent chest was exposed to me. I remember when we'd kiss, and even now, when I kissed Jake, I always imagined his lips just a few degrees colder. The time that we danced at prom…how I hated prom, but just being so close to him made my skin fire up. It was so romantic, and so perfect, I wish I could go back that moment. The simple things are what hurt the most. Just thinking about the times that we went to dinner in Port Angeles, the night we watched Romeo and Juliet before my disastrous birthday party. Those are the things that hurt the most, the little things.

But I loved Jacob still, with all my heart. Every time I mentioned Edward or his family, I could tell I was hurting him. He knew how much I still loved Edward, but I don't think he realizes how much I love him.

I got up slowly from the bench, playing with the ring on my finger and walked up to our bedroom door, hesitant to knock.

"Jake…" I said quietly. "Jake, will you please come out here so we can talk?"

He opened the door just a crack. "I'll be right there, babe." He said with a small smile.

I smiled back at him. I loved how forgiving he always was with me.

I walked over and sat down on our couch, and waited for him to come out.

After a minute, he came out and began to massage my shoulders.

"Jake, I— "I began, but he put one finger to my lips.

"Shh, I'm the one who should be sorry. I know how much how he meant to you, I was just being insensitive. I'm sorry, Bells. I shouldn't have said any of that," He said to me quietly, and coming around to the front of the couch. "You know I would never intentionally hurt you, you know that surely?"

"Of course, it's just that it's every birthday…I remember when he left me there…" I said, my voice trailing off, I couldn't say much else without having a breakdown, and even then, Jacob saw the beauty.

He just sat down next to me, and held me to his chest again. "I love you. Don't worry anymore, okay? Just be happy with me." He said.

"I am happy though." I was. Extremely happy. When I was with Jacob, it was like nothing else in the world existed, he always made me feel different than I did when I was with Edward. Jacob was so warm, and fun, and he was great…

"I know, but seriously happy, Bella," He looked down at the ring on my finger. "You never told me your answer." He smiled.

"I guess I didn't, did I?" I said smiling back. "Jacob, of course I'll marry you." I said, feeling ecstatic, but not quite showing it.

Jacob looked up, and laughed anxiously. "Thank you." He smiled again at me, and kissed me the way a vampire would never even think about.


	3. Dreams

I woke up from the light cascading through the thin curtains on the window.

I looked up at Jacob, who was still snoring, but only softly.

I rested my head on his warm, bare chest and began to trace patterns, up and down his stomach.

A few minutes went by, and Jacob woke up. "Morning, Bells," He said mussing my hair, and then placing his hand on my cheek. "How are you?" he said moving his other free hand up and down my back.

"I'm fine. How about you," I said sitting up on my elbow. "Are you doing okay? I'm really still sorry for the way I acted last night."

He gave a little chuckle that shook the bed. "Well, you made up for it later." He smiled, and placed his hands behind his head.

I let a smile escape my lips, too. "I love you." I said quietly, nestling my head into his chest.

"Can you possibly believe that I love you too?" he told me, putting a loose piece of my hair back into its proper position.

I kissed his collar bone and replied "I think I can believe that…"

He took my small, white fragile hand in his, and looked at the ring again. "I did a damn good job picking this out, didn't I?" he said laughing.

"Yes you did, and I love my new copy of Wuthering Heights." I said sitting up, and looking at the door, toward the box in the living room.

Then, silence. I could just hear the sound of our breathing in synchronization. _In…out…in…out…_

Jacob was still playing with the ring on my finger, before he sat in an upright position. He got up and put on a grey pair of pants, and walked out of the bedroom.

I lay back down on the big, white, untidy bedspread, and sighed.

"You hungry, Bells?" Jacob yelled to me. I smiled. Jacob couldn't cook.

"Yeah, I'll get it." I said getting out of bed, and sliding on a pair of green shorts, and a blue tank top that was just lying on the floor.

I walked out to the big kitchen, and laughed out loud at Jake trying to crack an egg into a bowl.

"Jake, you seriously suck at cooking." I said taking the bowl and egg, and swiftly cracking it into the pan.

"What are you a wizard?" he said wide-eyed and laughing.

I laughed with him "I could be. After all, my life is surrounded by werewolves and vampires." I said, not even realizing I had said "vampires."

The hole tore open, and I groaned.

Jacob pulled me into a hug, and "shushed" me softly. "It's okay…"

I let my hands lay limp on his warm chest. He titled my chin up. "Really. It's alright, I'm right here." He breathed, hot on my face.

He took my hips and set me up on the counter before kissing me, just to make it easier. After all he was a massive six foot two, and I was a dainty five foot four.

He pulled away very quickly, quicker than usual and said "Now, show me how to crack one of these damn eggs."

I decided to call Renee at about 7:00 while Jacob was at work. He always worked pretty late.

He took a job at an auto repair shop in college a few years ago and soon climbed the ladder to manager of the business, himself. He became very successful after leaving the pack.

"Hi Mom," I said when she answered the phone, seeming a bit tired. "How's Jacksonville?" I asked, sitting on the sofa.

"Hi baby. It's good. Phil is at a game right now, I decided to stay home. I am so tired." She said giggling.

I felt bad for waking her up if she was sleeping, or even bothering her if she was relaxing. "Mom, I can call back tomorrow. I just have some good news." Right when I said it, as if on cue, the ring glistened in the light.

"No no. It's okay, what's your news?" she asked, followed by a small sigh.

"Well…" I thought about how she'd react when I'd tell her "Mom, I'm getting married." After all, she always told me getting married was a terrible thing, and not to even think about it until absolutely sure the person was perfect for you. Not like her and Charlie, right out of high school.

"Mom…I'm…er, Jake proposed last night." Trying to avoid the direct phrase, "I'm getting married."

"Oh my God, Bella! Oh! You're getting married? That's terrific! Oh, there's so much to do! Bridesmaids, pick out a dress…oh, and—" I cut her off, confused. Renee always told me marriage was horrible, and she was…happy?

"Mom, I'm getting married," I said, "Married." I repeated.

"I know! Oh, this is great! When is the wedding?" she asked, on the border of squealing.

"I'm not sure, we haven't really discussed it." I said, quietly. "Listen mom, Jake just got home, I have to go. I love you." I lied, I really didn't feel like going into detail with this.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm just so happy you're moving on and found another somebody that loves you just as much as he did." She said. "Bye, baby." She added.

"Bye mom…" I said, and hung the phone up, and slammed it hard down on the couch.

Another somebody. Someone who loves me as much as he did. She didn't know anything. Edward never loved me, an obsession. A sick fascination, that was it. A sick fascination. Nothing more, nothing less.

I lay my head down on the soft pillow, and once again let the tears flow. I remembered the day I jumped off the cliff, and into the dark waters. How my mind had stored up his perfection as if for that moment.

The way his voice sounded as he yelled at me to keep going, "Keep swimming, damn it Bella!" I heard "him" scream at me. It made me feel like he still cared. Velvety smooth, but still firm and aggressive. I remembered his lips and the way they formed the words. His cold, light pink lips. I remembered when he'd kiss me, and the night of my party that he kissed me, so perfect and so right.

I remembered how I'd save his eyes for last, his beautiful golden eyes. The color of butterscotch and topaz. The way they bore into mine while he was screaming and I'll I could do was stare.

The tears came harder now, as I sank deep in thought. I never remembered thinking of this moment so vividly.

I closed my eyes attempting to think even harder, making the pictures almost life like. Instead I let my mind wander to the upcoming wedding, and fell asleep.

I saw Jacob standing next to the minister smiling brightly as Charlie walked me down the aisle, my elbow tucked into his. I smiled back at Jacob, and then up at Charlie. Jacob was always in his favor, so I knew he was happy as well.

I saw Renee, tears of joy streaming down her face, Phil next to her rubbing her shoulder. I saw Mike and Jessica, and Eric and Angela and other high school friends, still the same, but older. I gave a small wave to the majority of them.

When I finally reached the alter, Charlie kissed my forehead before taking his place next to Sam Uley. I turned to face Jacob who was beaming. I looked at the minister and then heard a familiar voice, "Hello love." Velvety smooth.

I looked back, and saw Edward standing in front of me, not Jacob. Behind him, stood Emmett, and behind me, Alice stood smiling. I looked out to the crowd. No Jacob, just Edward's family, and our old friends.

I stared back at him as the minister asked us to say our "I do's"

Edward smiled, and said "I do." And I said the same, as much of shock I was in, I was still in love with him, and couldn't bear to look into his gorgeous eyes and utter the words "I'm sorry, I can't do this."

"I now pronounce you, husband and wife, you may kiss the bride." And suddenly, his arms pulled me into him, and I could've stayed there forever.

Just as he was about to lean down, and press his stone cold lips to mine, I woke up.

I screamed into my hand, feeling the tears coming down ferociously. I fell to the floor, and I grabbed the pillow that fell with me, and began to scream into that, instead.

This had been one of the worst dreams in the past two years or so.

"Why?" I cried, rolling onto my back. "How could you do this to me!?" I nearly shouted to him, as if I believed he was nearby, and close enough to hear me. "Why? Why did you leave me? You knew quite well how much I needed you, and you just left. Not caring about what you did! I hope you're out there suffering. I hope you realize what you did you hardhearted, callous bastard!" I screamed, and let more tears come down.

I could never let Jacob know about this, or the dream. I was sure that he'd leave me if he knew. I had never had a dream so vivid as the one I had just had. Able to see all of his features so perfectly. The shape of his jaw, his nose, his perfect lips as they were about come down on me.

Never would I let Jacob know about this. Ever.


	4. Sleep Seeing

"Bella?" Jacob called coming into the door. I looked out from under the table to see Jacob looking around the room, his arms folded across his chest.

I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes, and jumped up. "Hey Jake!" I said sitting up onto the couch.

"Hi…what were you doing on the floor, and your eyes are all red." He said peering at me suspiciously. Crap.

"I was sleeping, and I fell off the couch, and banged my head on the coffee table." I said recovering quickly. "That's when you came in." I laughed nervously.

"Oh, you okay?" He asked concerned. I looked around, I was a terrible liar, and I knew for sure that I was not close to being fine.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm f-fine." I said stuttering a little bit, due to how nervous I got lying to Jake.

"Bella, seriously" he said seeing through my lies, and setting his hands on his hips, and began walking toward me.

"Seriously, Jake. I'm fine." I said smiling a little bit, making it a bit more plausible. I hugged my knees up to my chest, and sat against the pillow on the sofa.

He stopped when I said that, and changed course, heading to the small kitchen instead.

"Okay, then. Um, you want to just order a pizza and watch a movie tonight?" he asked me grabbing a Coke form the fridge. "You want one?" he added holding it up.

"Sure, and yeah, that sounds good. What movie?" I asked, as he shut the fridge, and began to walk back over to me.

He shrugged. "Whatever is on, I guess." He smiled and sat down on the couch and handed me the can.

I tapped it with my forefinger, and sighed. "I'm really tired." I said.

"Oh…well, we don't have to do anything tonight its okay." He said.

"No, no. I mean, don't get mad if I start talking during the movie, and not in a normal conversation kind of way." I laughed.

He laughed with me, and put his arm around my shoulders. "Got it, Bells. And I think we should start discussing wedding plans soon enough too." He said.

"That sounds nice. Renee wants to know when we're having it. I think that should be step one."

"Hmm…about the day you came back to Forks. January 18." He said.

I was flattered that he remembered the exact day that I went back to Forks, Washington to stay with Charlie. "I like it. January 18, 2011 it is." I smiled.

"Terrific. Bella I have been waiting for this day for the longest time, you can't even begin to imagine how much I truly am in love with you." He smiled.

"I do have a slight idea of that," I aid opening the can with a pop. "But what if some pretty werewolf girl comes up and you suddenly imprint on her?" I asked, always feeling a bit worried about this situation.

Jake told me imprinting was something that couldn't be controlled and when you imprinted on someone, your feelings take over, and it's like you can't be with anyone else but that person. You just want to make them happy.

"Bella, I think I've found my imprintee." He said, laughing at his made up word. "Bella, as much as I never even knew it, I think I have imprinted on you. It's nothing as powerful for me as the rest of the guys would say, but I think I've found you."

"Really?" I asked smiling, Jacob couldn't get rid of me now. There was no way I could be thrown out into the woods again, he was here to stay, and in four short months, I was going to be Mrs. Isabella Black.

He leaned in, and breathed his warm breath over my face. "Really, really." He said, and kissed my lips again, and this time, I didn't even imagine his lips a bit colder, just Jacob. Good, warm, Jacob.

I giggled during the kiss. "Now what movie did you want to watch?" I said when he pulled away. I picked up the remote and began flipping through the channels.

His big hand took the remote from me, and turned the television off. "I have something better," he said smiling.

"And what might that be?" I asked in a more seductive tone than necessary.

He got up and went to the door, and very slowly opened it only to reveal a very happy, Angela Weber. "Bella!" she squealed, running at me, with her arms open wide.

"Oh, my God, Angela! You look so…different!" I said laughing and pulling her into a hug, and knocking my full Coke can onto the carpet.

"Crap," I said, moving the table. "Ugh, one second Angela." I said going to the kitchen to get some paper towel. "But go on, tell me what's been going on with you. Married? Any kids? Anything, I've missed you so much." I looked to the door, and saw Jacob standing there, satisfied. I saw him mouth, "Happy Birthday" and walked out to the balcony to give Ang and I some privacy.

I took a handful of paper towels, and hastened back to the spot where we'd spilled the soda. I knelt down, and started dabbing the spot.

"Sorry about this Angela." I laughed nervously and continued. "So how is everything?" I asked again.

"What?" she said as if I pulled her form another train of thought. "Oh sorry, I'm just sort of marveling at this apartment. It's so nice. What do you do now?" she asked, kneeling down next to me, and putting a hand out for some paper towels.

I ripped off a few pieces and she began to pick up the little spots I didn't get. "Well, I majored in psychology in college. I ended up going to Alaska." I said smiling. "But Jacob became really successful in mechanics and offers to support the both of us. But soon we want to move back out west so I'm going to have to go back to work. But right now, we're doing great." I looked at the balcony, and aw that Jake had shut the door, and was sitting on Billy's bench reading one of the magazines we kept out there.

I lowered my voice a little bit, and picked up the towel after I'd thought I'd got most everything so I could bring out the stain fighter. "Did Jake tell you he proposed yesterday night?" I said.

Angela gasped in shock, and threw her paper towel down on the floor like a teenage girl who just got the juiciest gossip about one of her friends at school. "No way!"

I nodded my head slowly, mechanically, picking up all the paper towels and bringing them to the trash can.

"Aww!" She said when I returned to the couch.

I laughed. "Yeah, look at the ring." I said, now showing off a bit. I extended my arm toward her and smiled brilliantly, "Isn't it beautiful?" I said as she grabbed my hand to get a better look at it.

"Yes! It's gorgeous!" she said. "Wow. Jake must've spent a fortune on this!" she said, letting go and looking around the apartment.

"I'm not sure, but it looks it. It was "a birthday present." I said putting air quotes around 'birthday present'.

"I love it. And your apartment, it's so nice!" she said, seeming to run out of adjectives for all of mine and Jacob's things.

She ran her hand along the mantle above the gas fireplace, and looked at the small figures and pictures on. She looked at the picture of our graduating class, the picture of her, Jess, and I, and the picture of Jacob and I at Jacob's graduation. Then she got to the picture of the meadow. I took a photography class in college, and used the picture for a project. Even though I took it long before he left, it turned out so beautiful, I had to keep it, no matter how many memories it brought back.

"What is this?" she asked, looking at the picture, and taking it off of the mantle. She turned it in my direction. It was the first time I looked at the picture in a while, and it brought back painful memories.

I shoved them away before it got the best of me, and I fell into a breakdown. "Oh, that's a picture of this meadow in Forks. Surely you've seen it?" I said nonchalantly, trying to ease my own mood. I immediately wished that Jasper was here…

"No, I haven't. I'll have to go look around when I get back," she said, placing the picture back on the shelf.

"So, tell me about what you've been doing." I said, patting the spot on the couch next to me, motioning for her to sit down.

She told me that she and her boyfriend Ben were still going strong, and were talking about marriage themselves. College in Seattle went well, and she chose to major in the arts, becoming a professional photographer for many major magazines. I laughed and told her about how I tried photography, and got an 'A' on one assignment, and the rest was a bust. I was thankful that so far, she had mentioned nothing about Edward or the Cullen family.

After making small talk for about a half hour, it was about 8:30. "Well, I was going to ask you to come to a late dinner with me, but it's a little late now. I'll be in town a few more days, taking pictures of the lights and such, so give me a call. We'll go to lunch or something." She smiled. I couldn't refuse Angela, she had been my best friend through everything.

"Sure. What's your number?" I said, searching for a piece of paper. She rolled her eyes and grabbed my hand, and wrote down the number. "That's my cell. Call anytime, its cool." she said.

"Okay, bye Angela." I said giving her a hug, and lead her to the elevator.

"I'm glad to see you're okay, Bella." She said, giving me a gentle wave, and the doors closed, and she was gone.

I sighed as I began to think again. Tonight, I had forgotten about Edward for a little while, but with that last word, she was propelling thoughts of him through my head like rapid fire.

I went back into my apartment, trying to shove the thoughts away again like I had earlier.

Jacob came up behind me, when I was looking at the pictures on the mantle, and grabbed me by the waist. "I thought you'd be happy to see her." He said, turning me around the face him.

"I was. Thanks Jake. It meant a lot to see her again." I said.

"I thought you'd like it." He kissed my cheek. "Alright, I'm going to go out for a while with some friends. You want to come?" he asked, walking to toward the bedroom.

"No, I'm pretty tired. I think I'm going to read by the fire or something." I said, grabbing Wuthering Heights from the table, and a blanket.

"Okay," he said, looking a little hurt. "Well, I just want to tell them the news and everything. I won't be home too late, I love you Bells." He said, coming to me, and kissing me swiftly before heading to the door.

I laid the blanket down on the ground, and set the book down before starting the fire. I turned the lights down, and watch the fire glow bright in the darkness.

I liked being home alone by myself, it gave me time to read which I rarely got to do anymore, and it always made me forget about reality for a while.

I got to chapter 3 before beginning to drift off to sleep. I was uncomfortable, but too tired to get up and get another blanket or a pillow, so I just stayed where I was and let the fatigue sweep over me.

I woke up at about 11:00, to the sound of someone coming into the door, "Jacob?" I called, looking up from the floor. "Jake?" I called again.

I saw a figure sweep by the kitchen, quickly. I was probably sleep- seeing as Jacob once called it when I said I saw a cat walking on the ceiling one night.

I laid my head back down against my arms, and fell back to sleep.

I woke up next from the sunlight streaming even heavier than usual threw the window. I looked up sleepily, and saw that the window was open. Jacob was nuts! I thought.

I got up and stretched, and shivered. It was cold for September. I looked back down, and saw that my Wuthering Heights book was open to chapter 4, and my favorite quote stuck out to me.

_I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind._

I loved coincidences, just not this kind. I also saw that I had a pillow, and I don't remember getting up and getting one. It must've been Jake. How nice.

I went to our room, and looked on the bed. No Jacob. He must have left early for work. I looked at the clock, 9:30. I groaned, I didn't want to get up this early.

I went to the kitchen and made breakfast for myself, still thinking about the figure I saw last night. It was so odd. I'd imagined lots of things in my sleep, but never had I imagined a person.

I jumped when I heard a knock at the door.


	5. A Love Endured

Edwards POV

I walked the streets of New York City, and finally I had caught her scent, but only faintly. I just had to check on her, just make sure she is okay. No matter how much pain I would be putting myself through by seeing her, probably happy, with a job, a family perhaps, I had to do it.

I promised myself so long ago, a whole five years ago, that I would never come back, that to her, it would be as if I had never existed. But I had to be sure that I made the right decision. And if I found that she wasn't happy, I would go to her. Beg and grovel on my knees until she took me back, and I was fully prepared to do this.

But if she was happy, what would I do? Just walk away, just as I did five years ago? My life without her was pure agony, a torture I could never endure again. IF I was with her now, I would do anything for her. Change her as she always wanted. Anything, just to hold her in my arms again, to feel her soft, warm, skin touch mine.

I shook my head, and looked up. The sun was hiding jut behind the clouds; it was just turning to twilight. Perfect timing, I thought.

Her scent became stronger, and I became more excited, but I walked on, ignoring the stares from women here and there.

After walking for a few more minutes, her scent was the strongest I had smelled since I left. I breathed in the sweet mixture of freesia, and lavender and sighed, knowing there was a chance that I could never truly have her again.

I pretty much looked for the first time exactly where I was. I ended up in upper Manhattan on Fifty- Sixth Street, meaning Bella was very successful. Of course, with her smarts, I would never have doubted it.

I sat on a bench outside the apartment, and waited for night fall. I planned to go in, knock on the door, and try to explain why I left. Tell her that if she needed me, I would be here. I could imagine how that would go over. She'd both push me out and tell me to go back to what I was doing, or she'd tell me that she loved me, but she was with someone else. Either way, it would tear me to pieces. The second would hurt more I think, knowing how close I'd come to being with her.

The hours dragged on forever, when finally I thought I saw someone go inside. Bella? No. Angela Weber and someone else too. Someone taller and more muscular? Her husband? I wouldn't doubt it. Angela was a nice girl. She deserves to be happy.

"Wow, I wonder how different she looks. I haven't seen her in the longest time…" I heard Angela think to herself. I didn't bother listening to anything more, if she hadn't seen her in a long time, there was no use. She knew nothing of importance about Bella's current life.

As I waited for Angela to leave, I sat and thought about the times Bella and I had before I…left her. The day in the meadow, the first time I really touched her. The feel of her heartbeat underneath my hand as it sped up against my cold touch. The nights that I laid on her small bed with her, while she was wrapped up in an afghan and I told her all about my family, and my being a vampire, the times we just…talked. All those times she resurrected the human from me. I remembered how she'd say my name, so soft, and gentle, as if she thought of the perfect way to see it just to send electric shocks through my veins. That reminded me of the first night that I stayed with her, even without her knowledge. How she said my name three times, and turned over, how it made me freeze in my place in the small rocker in the corner of her bedroom. The first time I kissed her, how soft her lips were, against mine. The way her hands twisted in my hair, how I wished I could have held her there forever. I needed her; why I left her I will never know for sure. Mistakes were made and I came to my "senses" which I should have just ignored. If there was one thing that I could have, it would be to be human again.

I saw Angela walk back out of Bella's apartment. I looked around, and it was dark outside. At least eight thirty. I walked to the apartment building when I saw Angela hail a cab, and step inside.

I got up slowly, and walked to the apartment. I looked around, and finally walked through the door, and through the lobby. I walked nonchalantly through the lobby, a show for the doorman.

"Can I help you, sir?" he asked, just as I put a foot on the top step.

_Creepy guy coming in the door at 9:00 at night whom I haven't seen before…_the doorman thought. I chuckled silently and smiled.

"No, I think I'm fine. But just to be sure, could you tell me the number of Bella Swan's apartment? She's an old friend, I was in the neighborhood today, and this was the only time I could make it. I'm sorry if I'm an inconvenience of any kind." I said politely smiling.

"Ah. I see…go on then. Her apartment is number 32B. Enjoy your evening." He said turning back to face the back room behind the counter.

_He seems nice enough. He wouldn't hurt Bella. Besides, she has that really big guy of hers up there to protect her. What is his name…Jason? Jared? Oh well, it will come back to me later._

His last thoughts would have made my heart stop if I had one. I almost felt the disappointment wash over me like a flood. I almost turned and walked out, but I went up anyway. She had someone, she moved on as I had meant for her to do.

I made it to apartment 32B. I could smell her sweet scent cascading from under the door, I took a deep breath, and sighed once more, before I entered into the room, where I saw her lying on the floor, sleeping. "Bella." I murmured, and shut the door quietly.

"Jacob?" her soft gentle voice murmured quietly as I shut the door behind me. I stayed still, mostly because my muscles had literally lost all of their capability to move. The voice that had once lingered over my name now clung to his.

"Jacob?" she repeated confused. I stood with my back pressed tightly against the wall, as if my white skin could have suddenly blended in with the darkness.

Jacob…I remembered him. The Native American boy from La Push Beach, the boy who told Bella of my family's "legends." I hated Jacob Black, more so loathed him. I wished my absolute worst upon him for taking her away from me.

Taking her away from me? That didn't even make sense. I pushed her away with my utter stupidity. I didn't deserve her anymore anyway. I never deserved her. Such a beautiful girl at eighteen, and more than likely a gorgeous woman at twenty three.

I was going to do exactly what I swore I'd never do.

I continued through the kitchen, planning to wait until she had fallen back asleep. I had to see her, touch her, just…just be with her once more.

I went to the refrigerator, seeing a few photographs of her and Charlie. My eyes were immediately drawn to one of them, and I was shocked.

Charlie was smiling, but only slightly, and my answer was in Bella's expression. No, not expression…appearance.  
Bella looked dead. Lifeless more like it. Her eyes were red and sodden, and purple from possibly lack of sleep. She looked so thin, thinner than usual. Her cheekbones were prominent, even in the picture. Her countenance could hardly be considered a smile. A painful smirk. This is what I had done. It had to have been. Unless she had some sort of…misadventure just after my absence.

I heard Bella mumble vaguely and I carefully made my way into the living room.

I knelt down next to her latent body, and took in her face.

I realized now exactly what I had left behind. The same Bella was there in her features, except more mature, more beautiful. Her lips were just a bit fuller, her hair a little darker and longer, and a faint smile spread across her face.

I gently placed my hand on her cheek. The person I had longed most for was before me.

I moved to her lips, caressing her face as I moved. I traced them with my finger, and I felt them part slightly underneath me. I gasped quietly, and tore myself away from her before I got carried away.

There were a few pictures on the mantle, and I knew I'd regret it, but I had to look anyway.  
I walked to them and picked up the first one I saw. It was Bella and Jacob at our...her...graduation. She was happy, her smile was no longer painful, the wonderful Bella smile I would have loved to see again up close. She hugged tightly to Jacob, both arms wrapped around him, and his arm was wrapped tightly around her waist, making my insides twist up, and convulsions almost started running through my body just by looking at it.

Bella...Bella.

Another picture drew my attention just like the one on the refrigerator. It was the frame farthest to the right. An empty meadow. Our meadow. It was exactly how we left it. Gorgeous, the wildflowers still looked marvelous, even in black and white.

I could have easily crushed the pictures into a million little pieces of glass and paper fibers, but did I? No. My own stupidity was at fault, and it would have helped none.

I walked back to Bella, after forcing myself to gently set the picture back down into it's proper place, grabbing an afghan off the back of the couch.

I covered her up with it, and laid down beside her.

"Hello love." I whispered into her ear, putting my hand on her hip. "I'm so sorry..." I said moving up her arm, creating goosebumps in my path. So cold...

With my other hand, I caressed her cheek. "So beautiful..." I muttered.

I looked up and saw a pen and a small notebook sitting on the coffee table. I'm already breaking the rules by coming here, why not? I thought.

Stop it Edward. Don't touch it. Go home.

I couldn't resist the temptation. I picked up the small book, and opened to a random page, a bit towards the end of the book. More recent thoughts.

September 13, 2009

Well, today marks another year. Edward still hasn't come back for me. I've waited, and waited, but nothing. I'm still considering myself a pain in Jacob's ass, even thought he tries telling me everyday that I'm not. The only good thing that's come out of that stupid vampire leaving me four years ago, is the fact that I've become stronger. I learned that I was nothing but a pawn, a sick fascination. Lies and truths are now extremely evident. At least Jacob's around though, he helps. He bought me a necklace from Tiffany's today, and it's absolutely gorgeous. It sparkles, reminding me of him...I miss him so much. Why did he leave? He'll never know exactly what he did to me, the pain he cost me. I miss him, I need him. Oh, God.

I looked over at Bella. "I-I didn't know." I said shaking my head, and flipping to another page, just a few pages ahead.

June 9, 2010

This is by far the happiest I've been in years. Jake and I went to the fair today and it was great. Really, it was SO MUCH FUN! I finally feel like my old self again. the way I felt when I was with him. Finally, after all this time, I think I'm getting over him slowly but surely.

There was more, but I couldn't read the rest, nor did I want to. Instead, I wrote.

I flipped to the back of the little black notebook, and began to explain my farewell, and create my apology that I was never going to be able to tell her in person.

_My Bella, there hasn't been a night that I haven't thought of you, or a night that I haven't longed to have to curled up in my arms. I have been wanting for so long to explain to you that everything I told you in the forest was a lie. My love still burns bright for you, brighter than you could ever imagine.  
You may never know this Bella, but tonight, I came to your apartment in New York City. A city so large, it took me days to finally come across your scent, to faintly hear your heart beat inside your chest. It is September 15, 2010. I read two of your journal entries, I deeply apologize for that as well. But one entry was about how much I hurt you, and it pained me so much to read the few sentences that you poured onto the page. The second, stating how you have finally begun to love Jacob as much as you loved me. Tonight Bella, you killed me, both emotionally and frankly, very close to physically. As I'm writing, I would like more than anything to go straight to the Volturi. But I won't, I never will, because I know you wouldn't want me to. When I came in, you whispered "Jacob," and my mind always went back to when you'd say mine. How it would wrap around it like a caress, and to hear you say his was absolutely devastating. The touch I have been longing for thousands of days, millions of hours, was laying in front of me, and I took advantage. When I touched your face, I remembered the day in biology when all the lights were off, and our arms just barely brushing against each other. It was the touch, the only touch, that did and ever will, send electric currents though my venom coated veins._

_I lied to you, Bella. About everything. The only things that were true in the forest, is when I told you to move on. To make it be as if I had never existed. And the only reason for that was so that you could have a normal life, to love unconditionally as someone could love you. I couldn't be with you in ways that I wanted to be, I couldn't kiss you the way I wanted, and I couldn't make you go through life without those experiences. I couldn't do that to you. I did this all for you, but I realize now the damage that I've reeked on you._

_Every day, I sat down in a small Brazilian hut, and sobbed. No tears, but that screams and pangs of agony were all there. I wish that I could've cried for you, or been able to sleep to wash away reality for at least a few hours, just so I wouldn't have to keep seeing your face. But, I know that those dreams would all be of you, it would be useless. _

_I wish that I could have been human for you Bella. So that I could give you everything that you would want. I'd do anything for you Bella. Anything. I've always cared for you, and always will. no matter if you've moved on or not, I haven't, and I won't. I will be waiting for you in the shadows, when you need me, I'll be right there. I'll be anticipating the moment that we cross paths again, it's meant to be. I'll always love you, Bella. I'll never truly leave you, you will never be alone.  
My heart forever belongs with you.  
Edward.  
_  
For the first time in what seemed like an eternity, I felt like I had a soul. At least whatever was left of it after I left Bella, was printed on that page.

I took the notebook into her room, and tucked it underneath her mattress for her to discover later.

I went back to my Bella, and I kissed her cheek softly. "My love, you were my everything. When I left you, I left behind all the human pieces I had in me. You're the reason I'm here right now, the reason I'll always be here. I'll wait for you, I promise."

I looked down, I was kneeling on...a book? Wuthering Heights, of course. I had an idea.

I picked up the new hardcover book, surprised. Her book was always worn, and battered. I opened to a quote that described exactly how I felt about her.

"I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind."

"Goodbye, my love." I said quietly, putting the book back down next to her, and I ran. For the second time, I ran away from everything that I needed more than anything else in this world. I knew she was happy with Jacob, and I couldn't interfere. Not after what I did to her.

None the less, I will wait for her.


	6. Dress Shopping

I got up, still hesitant of my movements, due to the unfortunate coincidences of the past night, as I walked slowly to the door.

I felt like I was the teenage girl in the horror movie and everyone in the audience is screaming at me not to answer the door, but on my own accord, I went to answer it anyway.

Settling my hand gently on the knob, I looked through the peep hole in the door.

There Jacob stood with his hands shoved deep into his pockets, and he rocked back and forth on his heels absent mindedly.

I laughed at my own naivety, and opened the door. "Forget your key?" I mused. He chuckled, taking me by my waist, and pulling me forward to kiss my cheek. "Yeah, I spent that night at Jeremy's because we had a few drinks and I was too worried about driving home, and I didn't bring enough money for a cab to drive halfway across New York City." He laughed again, pulling away from me and going to the kitchen. "We missed you there, Bells. Everyone was there asking me where you were, I just told them you decided to stay home for the night and that you weren't feeling well." I felt pretty bad for not going out, but in a way, I needed to stay home and gather my thoughts. And, I'm glad I did stay home, but a little frightened of the coincidence that made me stay home. "I'm sorry," I said, walking behind him to the kitchen. "But, I did fall asleep right after you left. I didn't get very far in my book at all. I needed a good night's sleep." I said sitting down at the table, going back to my breakfast. He came next to me with his own bowl of Cheerios, and sat down in the seat beside me. "That's good. You deserve it." He smiled down at me. "Anyway, did you want to go out tonight?" he asked, with a special gleam in his eyes that would have made me feel even worse than I already did if I said no. But…_did _I want to go out tonight? Who knew what I wanted anymore. My mind was still mixed up from the night's events, and I could barely think straight.

He tapped his fingers on the table in a thrumming drum beat, impatient and staccato. I looked up at him, and saw him staring at my face, probably trying to decode what I was really thinking.

Fooling him, I smiled at him politely, and nodded. "Sure. What did you have planned?" I asked.

He smiled, and looked down, peeking up at me from his bowl, shyly. "Well, I know it's unusual for us, but…I was thinking maybe dancing?" he said, his statement coming out more like a question, pending my approval of our date.

But, Jake was right. This was out of the ordinary for us. We usually had more casual dates. And these dates were ones that all I had to do was maybe buy a new shirt. Dinner, movies… but never dancing.

And frankly, my dancing hadn't improved since the Cullens left. But, when Jacob and I danced at our prom in twelfth grade, he was a pretty good dancer. I figure, well, why not?

"That sounds great. About what time, because I still have to call Angela. She's leaving town tomorrow, so I think we should get some shopping or something in." I laughed.

"I was thinking about eight o'clock or so." He said, finishing up his Cheerios. Those werewolves eat so much so fast…

Jacob got up from his seat, and took my bowl from me. I looked up at him with an expression of mock sadness. "I wasn't done yet!" I said, reaching up to him.

The glistening of the diamond on my finger caught my attention, and brought my awareness back to the wedding. Charlie!

"Jake! We forgot to call Charlie!" I said, on the verge of slapping myself across the face for my forgetfulness.

He laughed and replied, "Already taken care of. Just have fun today, okay?" he said, setting the bowls in the sink, and putting a big warm hand on my face.

I leaned into it, feeling comfortable and happy there. "Okay, I promise. But when did you call Charlie?" I asked him.

"Well, yesterday night while you and Angela were in the living room ruining our carpet." He joked, running his hand through my hair. "He said that he wants us to have the wedding in Forks."

Forks. How I dreaded that place now. When I finally got out of there, free from the uncovered rain, and painful memories of my pasts, I felt better than ever. I could just picture as we entered through the thick woods, the memories that would flood over me. The nights spent in my room without Charlie knowing, the meadow, the car rides to his house…

Those were the memories I tried hardest to avoid. The little things, those were what hurt especially most. And when I went back to Forks for my wedding, supposedly the best day of every woman's life, the recollections would all come back to me in a giant wave, and that was something that I tried terribly hard not to do, even though it turned out to be an epic fail.

"Ahh, I see. That would be nice." I said, trailing back, lingering on all the memories. No Bella, stop it.

"You alright, Bella?" Jacob asked, going back to the cupboard and taking out the little white and blue bottle of ibuprofen.

I tried thinking about something else, as I could almost smell the salt in my tears as they began to build up in my eyes.

My mind wandered back to the night. I remembered the hallucination, or dream, or possibly even the real live person that was walking through our apartment.

"Well, sort of…" I began, still pondering about the possibilities. What would Jacob do? Would he be afraid for me or would he think I was crazy or just dreaming?

I twiddled my thumbs back and forth on the table, and played with the fringe on the red cloth placemat under my hands.

"Yeah…" Jacob said, waiting for me to fill in the rest of the open- ended sentence. He turned to me, swallowing three of the pills dry, probably for his headache from a hangover, I presumed.

"Well, it's nothing to worry about really. I just thought that I might have…you know…seen someone last night. In the apartment, I mean." I said, looking up at him shyly.

He peered at me with a look that urged me to continue.

"It might have just been a dream or something, but I thought I saw a person in the kitchen. It was about eleven o'clock and I thought I heard a door shut. I looked up, and called your name because I thought it was you coming in late. After I called, I didn't hear anything else. I think it was just my mind playing tricks on me though, I'm sure it wasn't anything to worry about."

Jacob turned around and muttered something inaudible to himself, and I only caught a few words of it. "Why…so bad…" he shook his head slowly, still facing away from me.

"What? What's so bad?" I asked him, getting out of my chair, and walking towards him putting a hand lightly on his shoulder.

He snapped his head around, with an icy stare in his eyes. "You could have been killed." He said, tensely. I looked over at his hands that were gripping the granite countertop tightly, and my eyes got wider. I looked back up at his face, and felt my brow furrowing.

"I'm fine though." I said, looking into his eyes, trying to be calm about this. I didn't nee any changing werewolves in our apartment; we weren't even allowed to have regular dogs.

"But you might not have been." He said, muttering something unintelligible again under his breath.

"But I'm not even sure if-" his hand covered my mouth interrupting me.

"You saw right, Bella" his deep concern reminded me of Edward, and I almost started crying again. While his hand covered mine, I cried my silent tears, remembering his worried faces and actions when James was tracking me over Spring Break in Phoenix eight years ago. "J- Just promise me you'll be more careful." He said, removing his hand, and placing both of them on my cheeks, cupping my face, so that I could budge away from his stare.

"Jake…" I said, begging to reason with him that what I saw was only a figment of my imagination. But more so begging so that I would believe that as well.

"Promise me." He said, staring at me, his eyes even more intense than before, but the iciness was replaced with sadness, and I was forced to look into the brown pools, and I couldn't look away if I wanted to.

"I promise."

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

I called Angela and told her to meet up with me at Macy's at around four o'clock. And there she was, right on the dot, in a black Mercedes Benz convertible.

"Bella!" she said in a sing- song voice, driving up next to me at the door, forcing people even in the store to stare outside the department store windows at the black automobile.

"Oh my God, Ang! What is that?!" I asked, laughing.

She stroked the door, admiringly, and stared up at me from her Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses. With all of this designer wear, her attitude brought me back to Alice Cullen.

I shook away the thoughts and looked back at Angela. "It's my baby." She laughed again. "You like it?" she asked, pulling off her sunglasses, revealing her hazel- brown eyes.

"No, I hate it." I said, heavy sarcasm imminent in my voice.

"Har, har. Now get in." she leaned over to the passenger side door, and pushed it open with her short, tan arms.

I obeyed, walking around to the passenger side, and hopping into the front seat.

The outside of the car was a sleek black, causing the light to bounce off of it creating a hue of rainbow in the reflection, and once you got inside, the interior was mostly light tan with a white dashboard. The seats were leather, and there was a vanilla air freshener hanging from the mirror.

"So where exactly are we going? I thought we were going shopping."

She pulled out of the parking lot in one swift movement, and made her way pretty easily through traffic. Okay, now she really reminded me of Alice.

"We are." She said, pulling into a small plaza on the corner of an intersection. "Dress shopping." She smiled at me, hopping out of the car.

"Really?" I asked, getting excited that she was going to help me pick out a wedding dress today.

"Of course! Your wedding is only a few short months away, and who else is going to help you plan it? We've been friends since high school, I think it's only right that I help." She laughed, and then looked at me with a look of concern on her face. "If that's okay with you."

I laughed with her, glad to see that her old side is still somewhat there.

"Angela, will you be my maid of honor?" I asked her, smiling blindly at her.

I thought she would burst with excitement in the middle of the lot.

"YES! Yes, oh God Bella! Of course I'll be your maid of honor!" she squealed, pulling me into a hug that almost broke my rib cage.

"I thought you'd be happy." I said, giggling quietly as I hugged my best friend.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

The small boutique we arrived at had wall to wall dresses. A few bridesmaid dresses on the left, but mostly white gowns across the board.

"Wow. I am so glad I found this place." Angela said, going toward the first rack in the store, and skimmed through it.

We walked around for a little bit, only trying on a couple dresses, none of them quite the right style for me.

One was a strapless dress, that slimmed down in the waist, and filed out right at the bottom, and we both said no to it. Another, that had thicker straps with beading on the bust, and it flowed out in a medium train in the back, and Angela liked that one.

But then, as I was looking at the bridesmaids colors, tired of all the simplicity, Angela handed me another dress.

"What about this one?" she asked, holding it up for met to see first.

It was hard to decide whether I liked it or not, so I decided to go try it on in the dressing rooms.

I went in with the white gown slung over my left forearm. I slowly undressed out of my dark blue wash jeans, and red tank top.

I slid the smooth white fabric over my slender body, and zipped it up quickly in the back. I turned back to the mirror, and what I saw was sheer beauty.

I had never seen myself look so beautiful, and even though I felt a bit conceited saying that, I lacked any other adjective describing the fit.

It had thin spaghetti style straps that hitched in a cross in the back, and the bust and torso was a creamy, silky fabric flowing out into more silk layered with sparkly netting with a short train on the back. It was gorgeous.

Then I thought back to my dream and Jacob's face when he saw me marching down the aisle. So happy, and glowing…

And then I thought to part two of my dream. Edward. What would he have done if he saw me marching down the aisle? Would I ever have marched down the aisle to Edward even if he didn't leave? After, as I had decided, I was no more than a sick fascination.

I began to feel light headed. I'm not sure if it was the recurring memories and oppressive sadness or if it was the feeling of being in such a small room at such a hot temperature with an oversized dress on, but I began to sway. Suddenly, I realized that I was crying, so I knew it had something to do with the first option, which was nothing out of the ordinary.

My tears came harder as I thought about that. About the difference between how I felt for Edward then, and how I feel for him now. I refuse to say I was still in love with him, but if this wasn't love, what was it then?

I lost my balance, and tripped over the short train on the dress, and hit my head on the wall, falling unconscious.

Then, black.


	7. Back to Forks

3 Months Later

"Jacob! Can you come and get the dresser out of here? I can't even move it!" I called out to Jake, as I tried my hardest to push the dresser it least halfway out the door to make it easier for him to move. He came in with a gentle chuckle rising in his throat, and pulled the vanity in one sleek motion out into the family room.

He side stepped it, coming back in through the door. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and I laid my head on his shoulder. "Are you as excited as I am to be moving back to Forks?"

I looked up to him and smiled as if the answer was completely obvious. "Of course I am. But, I'd be happy to live in the North Pole as long as you came with me."

He kissed my forehead, and leveled his eyes to mine. "Four days and counting," he smiled and touched his nose to mine. "I have to go load a couple more boxes into the truck and I'll be in to get the mattress and headboard in a minute. Just do me a favor, and pick the mattress' up, and put them against that wall over there, it'll make it easier for me." He said, directing his chin towards the back wall facing the lot.

"Alright," I agreed, and headed to the bed while Jake went back out to the giant moving van parked outside, and loaded six more brown boxes.

I did as he told me, and put the top mattress against the wall. When I went back, I found the little black diary I had kept when we first moved in so that I could write down most of my feelings. After a while, I felt it wasn't a necessity to me anymore. I must have put it here one day and forgot about it. Hmm…oh well.

I took it over to my purse, and put it into the small zip pouch in front of it. I'd have to look back at some of the things I had written. I knew it might make me a little upset, but I felt it would be good for me.

Since the three months that has gone by, I have grown so much. I'm definitely stronger than I ever was, and my heart has healed over quite nicely. Since the meeting with Alice Cullen three months earlier, it has been so much different.

I'm not sure why either. You'd think that it would make it worse, seeing the perfect vampire- features of my long lost ex- best friend. But it didn't, it has made me so much different, so much better…stronger.

Jacob and I are both so much happier too. Our relationship is one to envy, we've been told so often how our friends wish they had the relationship we have with their spouses, and I cherish that very much.

I looked out at him through the frosted window, the cold glass chilling my nose with the bitterness of the winter. Of all things that I have changed, I still detested winter.

He loaded the last of the boxes, and I saw him run back over to the building, and suddenly a door slammed shut. He came in with snowflakes covering his hair, but nothing else. His body temperature was just too high.

"Cold," I asked, raising my eyebrows, and wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Brr," he said, shaking his body, and flashing his white teeth at me. I stretched up onto my tip toes to kiss him, and he bent over, and picked me up, and I wrapped my legs around him, making it much easier for me to kiss him squarely.

I broke away from him after a moment, and jumped back to the cold hardwood floor, making me shudder a bit, going from hot to cold so quickly. I realized I hadn't finished my job, and Jake and I had to be out of here by tonight. I went back to the bed, and picked up the box spring, dragging it to Jacob.

"So, where are we going for our honeymoon?" I asked, though I knew he wouldn't tell me. It told me it would be a surprise.

"Somewhere gorgeous, where the water is a turquoise blue, and the sand is whiter than…snow." He trailed off for a moment, and only a moment. But, I knew exactly what he thought when he broke off from the part where he was telling me about the sand, vampires.

But even now, knowing he was going to say that, it doesn't even hurt. There was no hole anymore, because I've come to the realization that Edward never loved me, and he never will.

"Jacob, it's okay." I told him a quiet voice, a gentle smile spreading across my face.

"What?" he asked with a puzzled look on his.

"It doesn't hurt anymore. I don't mind, I'm immune now." I laughed, a little carelessly. My apathy was shocking to him. Whenever the word 'vampire' even came up in anything, I remembered how I'd begin to cry, now…nothing. I loved it. It felt good.

"Oh, well…" he said, not quite knowing what to say next.

"We better get this mattress in the car. It's the last thing, and we really should get going." I told, putting a hand on his big shoulder, which relaxed him immediately.

"Okay," he said with a smile, and he grabbed the mattress, and went back out to the cold winter air.

Finally, after the endless eight hour flight, stopping in Illinois, Iowa, and Colorado, we made it to Washington. Charlie picked us up at the familiar airport with open arms. We would have to stay with him for the night until our stuff arrived early the next morning at our new house.

Charlie was so happy to see us, giving both of us bone crushing hugs. It hurt Jake a little bit, knowing he wouldn't see his dad, but he was okay eventually after some comforting, which I have become an expert at. First hand experience…

But, as we drove the familiar way back to Charlie's house, I began to feel back at home. It felt terrific knowing I was back where I belonged. This was my home, and I was definitely proud to call it that.

The house looked all the same. The cupboards were a little more yellow from the passing years, more cobwebs had formed in the corners of ceilings, but, ESPN still played repeatedly in the living room, and the house was still filled with photos of me, my mom, and Charlie. Home.

By the time we got home, it was close to eleven o' clock, and Jake and I were both pretty tired, so we went up to my old room and went to sleep.

I looked through my old dresser, remembering that I didn't take all my clothes, and I forgot to bring an extra change for pajamas for the night. I found a pair of pink shorts, and a dark blue tank top, good enough.

"Do you want anything to put on? I could grab some sweatpants for you from Charlie." I offered Jacob, who got up and yelled down to Charlie.

"Hey, Charlie!" he called.

"Yeah, Jake?" he called back up, muting the television for a moment.

"Got any sweats?" he asked, turning around with a smile at me.

"In the bottom drawer of my dresser."

"Thanks!" he called, and dashed to Charlie's room, returning with a pair of dark grey sweatpants on, holding his jeans and tee shirt in his hand. He threw them on my floor, and went to lay on my little twin sized bed. I laughed at him when he took up almost the whole space.

"And how am I supposed to sleep on that?" I laughed, and pointed to small space right beside him.

"Easy," he replied. "We cuddle." He laughed freely, and I rolled my eyes. I lay down in the little space beside him, and he pulled me closer, and his big warm body felt good against my cold little one. This was much different, much better than being wrapped in an afghan the whole night. I had my space heater right here.

I smiled into his chest, and breathed in his beautiful woodsy smelled that radiated naturally off of him. "I love you," I whispered.

"I love you, too." He whispered back, kissing my hair, "And to think, we only have about three more days until you are officially Mrs. Black." He said.

It excited me to hear my name used that way, I loved it.

"I'm so happy." I said, losing the battle against my eyelids, who were forcing themselves to close.

"Me too, Bells. Me too." And that was the last thing I heard before I went under into a deep sleep.


	8. Scary Stories

3 Months Earlier- Edwards POV

I studied the house that my family and I had abandoned five years ago, admiring the huge windows covering the walls, and the moss growing on the sides and the roof- no one has lived in it since, nor taken care of it.

My memories switched back to the night I brought Bella here for her dreaded birthday party, the night all of my thoughts took a turn for the worst. Oh, Bella…

How much I have missed her cannot even be expressed in words. I yearn for her warm and gentle touch that I haven't felt in so long…the night I went to her apartment could hardly constitute as a touch- she wasn't even conscious.

I wondered if she had found the diary I hid under her mattress and I she read the note in the back, but would she care? Would she tear it out and shred it to pieces? Oh how much she must hate me, it gives me nausea just thinking about it.

I kept a steady beat as I paced back and forth on the muddy grass as I waited for Alice. She apparently had "BIG NEWS!" for me and frankly, I refused to face the wraths of my family back at home. Warm hugs from Esme and Carlisle, bone crushing hugs from Emmett and constant apologies from Jasper. But what I wouldn't be able to stand was Rosalie. She was so happy when I broke it off with Bella. 'She was no good for you anyway, nothing but an inconvenience. Who needs her?' The answer to the question was simple- _I need her. _

Then, I saw a little blur running quickly through the shrubs, and I assumed it was Alice. I stopped pacing and waited for her to approach me. "What's this big news?" I asked in a gloomy voice, she knew I didn't want to hear it.

"I saw her." She whispered, so quiet it was almost hard for me to hear. Her eyes stayed fixed on my face, decoding my expression. I wonder what she saw, because she looked back down at her hands.

"Where." I uttered, and it should've come out as a question, but it was more of a demand for an answer.

"At club Cielo in New York City. I'm so sorry, Edward. I didn't even see it, my vision was so blocked out when I went out with Rose. I don't know why…it…it was like something was blocking it! I just- I'm sorry Edward!" she sputtered, and that was the first time I had ever seen her so troubled, and she was doing a good job of keeping her thoughts pure and in check so I didn't know what she was going to say.

"Why are you apologizing?" I asked, gloomily.

She looked down at her hands and then back up at my face. She pursed her lips together, and looked up at the dark, graying sky. She brought her eyes back to mine and sighed. "She knew who I was. She bumped into me, and when I went to run away, she muttered my name…she knew, Edward." Alice said, and my body froze.

I felt like I went into shock. This was bad, very, very, bad. What had she been thinking when she saw her? Did she think I sent her there to spy on her?

"What did you say to her?" I asked, shutting my eyes tightly, and pinching the bridge of my nose, trying to relax myself, where was Jasper!?

"I apologized, that's all." She said, and I felt her hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

I opened my eyes and looked at her. "I can't do this anymore, Alice."

"You are not going to the Volturi," she said, after a moment of contemplating my words. I wiped the thought from my mind. What was I to do?

"What do I do?" I asked her.

"Find her." She said simply. And I wanted nothing more than to do just that, but how? How could I ever do that? She's with Jacob now, she's happier. And isn't that what's most important? That's all I want for her, happiness.

"I can't do that, Alice." I said to her, turning around, and looking up at the sky.

"Why not!? Just tell her-" but I cut her off, she would never understand how I felt, EVER.

"What, Alice? Tell her what? Tell her that I think about her every second of every minute of every single damn day? That every day, I scream because I can't even cry for her, I can't be good enough for her? I was never _good enough _for her, Alice. She deserves a real life, a real family, and a real man. I'm just a cold, dead, thing. I'm a monster, and I couldn't give her anything! Just take things! She'd never understand the hell I went through that night that I had to leave, or the night that I went to her apartment. Her face will never leave my mind, I'll never forget her, even if I live forever!" I screamed, finding a rock on the ground, and throwing it as far as I could.

Alice trailed it with her eyes. "I'm sure she does know what you went through," Alice, said quietly, and it startled me.

"What?" I asked, cocking my head to the side, getting closer to her face.

"I know what happened after you left, Edward. I just could never tell you, it would've been too hard both of us." She replied.

"Both of us?"

"It gives me shivers just thinking about it, Edward. You probably would've killed yourself years ago if you ever knew." She said, her eyes growing darker and more intense as she spoke. I looked at her pointed, urging her to go on.

"After you left, a boy named Sam Uley, that werewolf boy picked her up out of the woods," she said, but stopped as I growled at the word werewolf. Werewolf? She was with a werewolf. Then I thought back to the night I visited her apartment. I remembered, faintly the smell that aired through the apartment, It was enough to be noticed, but I smelled it thinking it was a real dog or just the musky smell of a closed off apartment. And then it hit me, _Jacob was a werewolf. _

And it made so much sense, how Alice didn't see Bella at the night club that evening, werewolves make her visions difficult to see, it was all coming into place now.

"Jacob is a werewolf," I said, droning out the rest of Alice's story, preoccupied by my own thoughts.

"Seriously?" she asked, a confused look plastered against her face.

I nodded, and let a hiss escape through my clenched teeth. She looked up at me. 'Shut up, let me finish.' She thought, and I pursed my lips.

"After Sam Uley found her, the whole way home she was muttering 'He left, he's gone. Why, why?' Charlie didn't know what to do, he was going to send her to Jacksonville with Renee. And then, Jacob was there, and he fixed her, basically. The mental pictures that I had of her in my head were excruciating, it hurt me to look at her. She was…terrible. She wasn't even there, she was dead, Edward…she needed you. And I know this is going to make you feel bad, but you need to know."

I looked up at her. The pain in my heart growing bigger and bigger with every word she said. "You did it to her," she murmured. "If you were still there, she would have been fine. Jasper wouldn't have hurt her, she would've been fine and happy. But, you made us leave, and that only hurt worse. I don't know what she's going to do when she finds that diary entry you wrote her, or worse, the stuff under the floorboards. The pictures and gifts? That's only going to kill her even more, Edward."

I had heard enough, I knew I did it to her. I didn't want to hear anymore from Alice. It hurt too much, just knowing all the things I did to her. I needed her, I was sorry. I felt terrible, and all I wanted was to just hold her in my arms and tell her that. Tell her how much I loved her and I sorry I was. But, that wasn't going to happen.

I turned back to the house, and began to walk away from Alice.

"Where the hell are you going Edward?" she asked me.

"I don't know, Alice. I don't even know." I replied over my shoulder.

It seems like I've been saying that a lot lately, _I just don't know anymore._


End file.
